Journals59
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Made of Glass
1 min read
So...everything's different now. I guess that doesn't really matter.
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10 years.
2 min read
So, there is a day approaching that for a long time, I never considered facing. In about 2 weeks, I will be facing the 10th anniversary of my mother's death. I feel it constantly nagging over me. While I know that it's just another day, there is an overwhelming hurt in my chest. I've spent more of my life without her than with her. I don't remember her voice, and sometimes I have trouble conjuring her face in my mind. And, because as a kid, I never saw it, I looked up the archives of my local paper to find her obituary. There was really very little written in it, but there were two things that stuck out in my mind. One was that they had misspelled my name when listing who she was survived by. I don't know why I found this so upsetting, but I did, and I do. And I also noticed that the date of her memorial service is also the same date my father married my stepmother 6 years later. I found it a little unnerving, but I'm sure it's just a coincidence. I'm really not sure how to handle this, and I don't know anyone who can truly help. This is really a pointless journal, I just needed it off my chest before I suffocate.
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Devious Journal Entry
2 min read
Nights I've cried myself to sleep here at "home": Almost every night.
Nights I've cried myself to sleep in Albuquerque, where it FEELS like home: 1. Because I was leaving the next day.
Something's amiss here, no?
This is just another episode of "Katt's Hissy Fits."
I spent most of this week with my sister at her place in New Mexico. I felt so at peace, so at home, and so loved. Here, I'm under constant stress and I've given up because nothing I do is ever good enough, and I feel like everyone here is better off without me. My sister and her husband make it a point to tell me that I'm beautiful, and bring out the positive things in me. Sure, they tease me, and they acknowledge that I screw up, but that doesn't turn into the focal point of EVERY conversation. Here at "home," I hide in my room or I leave the house because I can't stand to hear what a horrible person, what a screw-up I am, all the time. And that's what it always comes down to. I've stopped trying to please anyone here, because it's to no avail every time. Trips to New Mexico and the promise that as soon as I can afford it and I graduate, I'll move there, have been my life preserver, because here, I'm drowning. I can't wait to start my life over there, where I'm with people who respect me and truly show me that they love me. I feel like a real person with them, instead of the cowering shroud of a girl I am here in Texas.
Nights I've cried myself to sleep in Albuquerque, where it FEELS like home: 1. Because I was leaving the next day.
Something's amiss here, no?
This is just another episode of "Katt's Hissy Fits."
I spent most of this week with my sister at her place in New Mexico. I felt so at peace, so at home, and so loved. Here, I'm under constant stress and I've given up because nothing I do is ever good enough, and I feel like everyone here is better off without me. My sister and her husband make it a point to tell me that I'm beautiful, and bring out the positive things in me. Sure, they tease me, and they acknowledge that I screw up, but that doesn't turn into the focal point of EVERY conversation. Here at "home," I hide in my room or I leave the house because I can't stand to hear what a horrible person, what a screw-up I am, all the time. And that's what it always comes down to. I've stopped trying to please anyone here, because it's to no avail every time. Trips to New Mexico and the promise that as soon as I can afford it and I graduate, I'll move there, have been my life preserver, because here, I'm drowning. I can't wait to start my life over there, where I'm with people who respect me and truly show me that they love me. I feel like a real person with them, instead of the cowering shroud of a girl I am here in Texas.
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Devious Journal Entry
5 min read
Stolen from 
So what if I'm doing it all in one day? You can't stop me.
Here we go:
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot(in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.
Day One: Not sure you'll figure out who you are, but here goes.
1. I hate that it feels like I barely know you anymore.
2. Back the hell off. It wasn't real, and you don't "love" me. It's her, and it always has been, and I don't give a damn if she never forgives me.
3. I'm glad things between us have finally gotten past awkward and we can be like we used to.
4. I hate your ideas about love and friendship. You're wrong.
5. Your problems are NOT the end of the world. Just suck it up and quit crying.
6. I wish I knew what was going on with you. I don't understand who you've become.
7. You make me smile like a fool. I will make sure I'm worth it.
8. I'm still not 100% sure I can trust you, but you really have no reason to lie to me, so I'll try.
9. I think you try and preach about things you don't understand, and I think you're a hypocrite.
10. I know you'd hate who I've become, especially if you saw what the others don't see. Please forgive me.
Day two:
1. I love that now that I'm 18, I can really be myself and no one can control what I do with my hair, body, clothes, all that.
2. Despite being 18, I still love dolls and toys. In fact, just the other day, I bought a Zhu Zhu pet!
3. I love accents.
4. Never had a nosebleed.
5. I secretly like to troll a little bit.
6. I LOVE driving.
7. I did a lot of stupid things at 4 years old.
8. People tell me I'm sweet, but if I am, it's like cyanide candy. I'll be the death of you.
9. Some days I feel like I have the power to change the world, but others I feel like I can't even change my socks.
Day three: 8 ways to win my heart
1. Be accepting and tolerant of ALL kinds of people.
2. Disagree with me a little sometimes, but respectfully. I like not having EVERYTHING in common with people.
3. Be honest with me.
4. Be able to make fun of yourself, and me a little. Not in a hurtful way, mind you.
5. Express some level of intelligence.
6. Make me laugh.
7. Late-night texts, little things like telling me goodnight.
8. Karaoke.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
1. That's what she said.
2. Narnia.
3. Where is my chapstick?
4. Come one, come on...text back!
5. The game.
6. "What if what I want makes you sad?"
7. Gravity...damn.
Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done.
I don't believe in having regrets, but I'll post some things I might do differently given the chance.
1. Halloween '09.
2. Moving out after I graduated.
3. Freshman year.
4. Giving up my dream so easily.
5. Not seeking out help for my possible ADD a long time ago.
6. Not saying no to people I should have.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot(In manner of importance).
1. My dad
2. My sister and her husband
3. Other family.
4. Close friends. (No significant other for now, so yeah.)
5. Less-close friends.
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
1. Intolerance.
2. Liars.
3. Ignorance.
4. Bad hygiene.
Day Eight: Three turn ons. (not so much turn ons as things I like~)
1. Rain.
2. Clean, cared-for hair. (I love playing with the hair of my significant other, so when it's all tangly and unwashed...ugh.)
3. Musicians. (Cheesy, I know, but hey, I'm a musician, too.)
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
1.
2.
Day Ten: One confession.
1. I don't like myself. I don't think I'm all that smart, attractive, funny, or even all that nice.
So what if I'm doing it all in one day? You can't stop me.
Here we go:
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot(in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.
Day One: Not sure you'll figure out who you are, but here goes.
1. I hate that it feels like I barely know you anymore.
2. Back the hell off. It wasn't real, and you don't "love" me. It's her, and it always has been, and I don't give a damn if she never forgives me.
3. I'm glad things between us have finally gotten past awkward and we can be like we used to.
4. I hate your ideas about love and friendship. You're wrong.
5. Your problems are NOT the end of the world. Just suck it up and quit crying.
6. I wish I knew what was going on with you. I don't understand who you've become.
7. You make me smile like a fool. I will make sure I'm worth it.
8. I'm still not 100% sure I can trust you, but you really have no reason to lie to me, so I'll try.
9. I think you try and preach about things you don't understand, and I think you're a hypocrite.
10. I know you'd hate who I've become, especially if you saw what the others don't see. Please forgive me.
Day two:
1. I love that now that I'm 18, I can really be myself and no one can control what I do with my hair, body, clothes, all that.
2. Despite being 18, I still love dolls and toys. In fact, just the other day, I bought a Zhu Zhu pet!
3. I love accents.
4. Never had a nosebleed.
5. I secretly like to troll a little bit.
6. I LOVE driving.
7. I did a lot of stupid things at 4 years old.
8. People tell me I'm sweet, but if I am, it's like cyanide candy. I'll be the death of you.
9. Some days I feel like I have the power to change the world, but others I feel like I can't even change my socks.
Day three: 8 ways to win my heart
1. Be accepting and tolerant of ALL kinds of people.
2. Disagree with me a little sometimes, but respectfully. I like not having EVERYTHING in common with people.
3. Be honest with me.
4. Be able to make fun of yourself, and me a little. Not in a hurtful way, mind you.
5. Express some level of intelligence.
6. Make me laugh.
7. Late-night texts, little things like telling me goodnight.
8. Karaoke.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
1. That's what she said.
2. Narnia.
3. Where is my chapstick?
4. Come one, come on...text back!
5. The game.
6. "What if what I want makes you sad?"
7. Gravity...damn.
Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done.
I don't believe in having regrets, but I'll post some things I might do differently given the chance.
1. Halloween '09.
2. Moving out after I graduated.
3. Freshman year.
4. Giving up my dream so easily.
5. Not seeking out help for my possible ADD a long time ago.
6. Not saying no to people I should have.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot(In manner of importance).
1. My dad
2. My sister and her husband
3. Other family.
4. Close friends. (No significant other for now, so yeah.)
5. Less-close friends.
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
1. Intolerance.
2. Liars.
3. Ignorance.
4. Bad hygiene.
Day Eight: Three turn ons. (not so much turn ons as things I like~)
1. Rain.
2. Clean, cared-for hair. (I love playing with the hair of my significant other, so when it's all tangly and unwashed...ugh.)
3. Musicians. (Cheesy, I know, but hey, I'm a musician, too.)
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
1.
2.
Day Ten: One confession.
1. I don't like myself. I don't think I'm all that smart, attractive, funny, or even all that nice.
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Song meme
3 min read
Finally decided to try one.
Put your music player on shuffle. Press forward for each question. Use the song title as the answer to the question. Post on your blog.
Will I get far in life?
Rev Theory - Ten Years (Um...k?)
How do my friends see me?
Breaking Benjamin - The Diary Of Jane (O.O Not sure how to feel about this.)
Will I get married?
Evanescence - Together Again (Hm...)
What is my best friends' theme song?
Lesley Roy - Psycho Bitch (XD ROFL!)
What is the story of my life?
Repo! The Genetic Opera - We Started this Op'ra Shit (XD Um...ok...)
What was high school like?
Flyleaf (Nirvana Cover) - Smells Like Teen Spirit (XD These are amazing!)
How can I get ahead in life?
Lacuna Coil - Spellbound (...I have to cast spells on people? O.O)
What is the best thing about me?
30 Seconds To Mars - The Kill (Does this make ANY sense?!)
How is today going to be?
Crossfade - Cold (XD Heh...it's gonna be cold...teehee.)
What is in store for this weekend?
Halestorm - A Familiar Taste Of Poison (Um...What?)
What song describes my love life?
Trapt - Made of Glass (No comment.)
what will your death be like?
Jack Off Jill - Strawberry Gashes (Listen to this and tell me how YOU'd feel about this. O.O)
How is my life going?
Flyleaf - This Close (Interesting.)
What song will they play at my funeral?
A Skylit Drive - Air The Enlightenment (Sad face!)
How does the world see me?
Ke$ha - We R Who We R (XD)
Will I have a happy life?
Nickelback - If Today Was Your Last Day (^_^ I like this.)
What do my friends really think of me?
A Perfect Circle - The Outsider (>.>')
Do people secretly lust after me?
Repo! The Genetic Opera - Can't Get It Up If The Girl's Breathing (XD ROFLMAO!)
How can I make myself happy?
Repo! (again?) - Chase The Morning (Aww. ^_^)
What should I do with my life?
Everclear - Rockstar (HELL YEAH!)
Will I ever have children?
Eisley - I Wasn't Prepared (XD Haha.)
What type of men/women do you like?
Stars - Calendar Girl (?)
What do you think of your watchers?
Eisley - Marvelous Things (
)
Put your music player on shuffle. Press forward for each question. Use the song title as the answer to the question. Post on your blog.
Will I get far in life?
Rev Theory - Ten Years (Um...k?)
How do my friends see me?
Breaking Benjamin - The Diary Of Jane (O.O Not sure how to feel about this.)
Will I get married?
Evanescence - Together Again (Hm...)
What is my best friends' theme song?
Lesley Roy - Psycho Bitch (XD ROFL!)
What is the story of my life?
Repo! The Genetic Opera - We Started this Op'ra Shit (XD Um...ok...)
What was high school like?
Flyleaf (Nirvana Cover) - Smells Like Teen Spirit (XD These are amazing!)
How can I get ahead in life?
Lacuna Coil - Spellbound (...I have to cast spells on people? O.O)
What is the best thing about me?
30 Seconds To Mars - The Kill (Does this make ANY sense?!)
How is today going to be?
Crossfade - Cold (XD Heh...it's gonna be cold...teehee.)
What is in store for this weekend?
Halestorm - A Familiar Taste Of Poison (Um...What?)
What song describes my love life?
Trapt - Made of Glass (No comment.)
what will your death be like?
Jack Off Jill - Strawberry Gashes (Listen to this and tell me how YOU'd feel about this. O.O)
How is my life going?
Flyleaf - This Close (Interesting.)
What song will they play at my funeral?
A Skylit Drive - Air The Enlightenment (Sad face!)
How does the world see me?
Ke$ha - We R Who We R (XD)
Will I have a happy life?
Nickelback - If Today Was Your Last Day (^_^ I like this.)
What do my friends really think of me?
A Perfect Circle - The Outsider (>.>')
Do people secretly lust after me?
Repo! The Genetic Opera - Can't Get It Up If The Girl's Breathing (XD ROFLMAO!)
How can I make myself happy?
Repo! (again?) - Chase The Morning (Aww. ^_^)
What should I do with my life?
Everclear - Rockstar (HELL YEAH!)
Will I ever have children?
Eisley - I Wasn't Prepared (XD Haha.)
What type of men/women do you like?
Stars - Calendar Girl (?)
What do you think of your watchers?
Eisley - Marvelous Things (
)
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